Review please?

veridian · Joined: 22 Aug 2008 Posts: 90 Location: Michigan, USA

I started writing this and wanted to know what you all think of it so far.

The Grulic are an advanced species of slug creature, black in color with deep brown highlights. They only show their heads which make them look terrible as if they weren’t already horrifying. The rest of their body is covered in metal plating and chain mail to protect them from attackers. Overall, the Grulic are very sweet, innocent creatures and always do what they’re told.

The Shull are small little blobs, they are white with large red eyes and a huge head. They have no nose and a large mouth that opens like a Pez dispenser. The rest of their body consists of a tail lined with unbelievably strong muscles and two flippers at the bottom of the head. They also are sweet except when candy is in their mists, they’ll kill anything for confectioneries. Shull are also like parrots, they can only repeat things they’ve heard.

The Grulic and Shull work together with us humans on Gamma Centari. Since the Shull repeat and the Grulic don’t speak, the Shull have picked up random sayings. Today I’m watching the Shull ‘Rick’ and ‘XB901’ discuss a microwave. Oh, by the way, did I mention it’s a garbage planet? We compact the garbage and recycle it into everything and anything. Back to the conversation.

XB901 picked up a microwave, a relic from the 2000s. “Sweet!”

“Cool! Dude?” Rick said offering his flippers out to hold it.

XB901 pulled the microwave back. “Bitch you ain’t my baby’s daddy!”

“Canned tuna just 29.95 per ton!” Rick yelled back. They understood each other perfectly, it was like this telepathically. ‘What’s this?’ ‘Junk. Can I?’ ‘No I found it!’ ‘Share!’

Shull are funny. Well my shift is almost over, and I must say I’m glad. I jumped out of the compactor and looked over that the two and pulled out my laser and split the microwave in half the wide way. “Share. Share. Shull share.”

“Share? SHARE!” Rick yelled and grabbed half.

“Share… Shull share.” XB901 said affectionately. He turned to me and looked up smiling with his thousands of teeth. “Avery leaves?”

“Avery leaves.” I replied and patted both of them on the head, holding my laser to my palm with my thumb. The cuddled against my hands and backed off onto their tails. They waved with their flippers and slithered away behind an old hovercraft. I turned to the Grulic walking around, they’re were two in the immediate area walking by, I raised a hand and shook it crazily.

They raised theirs and did the same. The whistle blew and the transport ship to the docking ships lowered. I had to get home quickly to the main ship. My daughter Aerica was leaving for her training in the Galactic School of Public Communications. Communications is the single largest business in the universe. Of course, there is a universe out there now, and there’s a lot of communication needed.

TheAuthor · Site Admin Joined: 25 Mar 2006 Posts: 698

I might yell "Bitch, you aint my baby's daddy!" when someone takes something from me from now on...

A very sweet and semi-documentary story. Sometimes I find it's best to describe things bit by bit throughout the story, especially if the reader has no visuals, because too much description of something all at once can be fatal. Where "smiled showing thousands of teeth" is great because the reader slowly begins to understand that the creature is creepy.

The reader wants to get on with the story, they really don't care what the bad guy or good guy look like down to the golden grommets on their sleeves, but I can tell you are excited about your creations. Thank you for posting!

veridian · Joined: 22 Aug 2008 Posts: 90 Location: Michigan, USA

Yep, if you want to review more, I'm trying to write a novella I'm putting up on my website and I have the introduction done.

veridian · Joined: 22 Aug 2008 Posts: 90 Location: Michigan, USA

I wrote a SS and was wondering what everyone though of it, it's a remake of Ovid's work.

Smile

It had been one week since they found Karen floating upside down in the back pool of the hospital. The patients weren’t allowed to use it without permission, and now, they couldn’t use it at all. Karen’s death had been labeled a suicide, all the Pink Flamingos around the pool had been moved to a special bird sanctuary, and the world was a little bit dimmer.

She was sitting in her large bamboo chair reading a Dr. Seuss book; they were her favorite since she couldn’t focus on the adult books. Her anxiety and the switch of personalities cause the stir of focus, even if she were determined, she couldn’t read a page of anything more advanced.

It was then on the ‘Left foot, left foot’ that she heard a rapping at her window. She turned and saw a giant Pink Flamingo perched on the outside ledge. It cried out ‘Murder’ through strained vocal cords and continued it speech. “Murder in the pool!”

Laurel was frightened, in a fit of tears she banged on her door and two white coated me came in. She pointed at the now empty window and began repeating what the bird had told her. “Murder in the pool, murder in the pool!”

“Calm down Missy…” The larger guard cooed. He patted her head and held her, stroking her hair carefully. His head nodded towards with window and the other guard moved over and closed the shades and locked them in place with his key. “The pools outa sight now, go back to your reading Laurel.”

“Murder!” She whispered quickly. “The Pink Flamingo told me, murder in the pool.”

“The Flamingos are all gone.” He said letting go of her. She calming, sat back down and held out a book tot eh large guard. “I’ll read to you later tonight.”

The door closed.

It was the next day Laurel sat down in the recreation room, the windows wide open that the Flamingo landed and walked into the room. The residence beside Laurel up and ran away, she walked over. “Karen?” She asked like a little child.

“Murdered! Murdered!” Shrieked the bird. “Icarus! Icarus! Icarus!”

“The murder!” Laurel cried, “The murderer, the murder!” The Flamingo waddled over to the window and leapt out. The guards rushed in and grasped Laurel, holding her down and tightening a straightjacket around her.

“Murder! Icarus, Icarus, Icarus!” The wailing carried down the hall to the open doors, there a man stood watching.

It was the next day, stilling in confinement against the wall, the soild steel door opened, there was the Flamingo with the keys in his beak. He walked over dropping the keys by he and began to carefully peck at the jacket undoing it. “Flamingo! Who is Icarus?”

“The doctor! The doctor! Follow, follow!” the bird asked and left the room, hovering slightly. She left the room and followed, the flamingo was turning and made his way up the stairs to the roof. She followed carefully. Upon opening the doors she was met by several Pink Flamingos lining in a row.

“Icarus the murderer!” “Thrown from the roof!” “Poor little girl!” “Rape and killed!” The birds cried one at a time.

It was then they disappeared and dived towards the pool. The door swung closed and she looked behind her to see a man with a scalpel. Laurel pointed and read the word above her finger on his lab coat. A. Icarus, PHD. “You escaped to the roof and slit your throat while falling off the building.”

“Murderer!” Laurel cried loudly. “ICARUS! MURDERER! FLAMNIGOS!”

“There are no Flamingos any more…” He said and suddenly the sky darkened. Above a thousand pink Flamingos danced over head and dove one by one at him, pecking and hitting, he swung at them to no avail, he was lead off the roof top and crashed on the floor below. The flamingo’s landed all around as the guards broke through the ceiling to find Laurel crying on the roof in the care of the birds.

TheAuthor · Site Admin Joined: 25 Mar 2006 Posts: 698

Sorry I didn't get around to this earlier. I checked in on it at work and when I got home, had forgotten and it wasn't in my "new posts" anymore.

Anyway, aside from my lonely little Ovid book and a "re-enactment" by the Johnson State College players, I've little knowledge of the old chap and his stories/poems/write-ee things.

But as a short story on it's own without the references you claim, it's good. I've little experience with short stories (being alone 90% of my day everyday leads small things into becoming BIG things...) so I can't adequately critique this. I don't need to be filled in with what story from Ovid you thought of as you wrote this; I think that would rob me of a lot of interest.

Have you heard about NaNoWriMo?

veridian · Joined: 22 Aug 2008 Posts: 90 Location: Michigan, USA

I have heard of it but I have no clue what it is.

TheAuthor · Site Admin Joined: 25 Mar 2006 Posts: 698

I've never done it (nor do I want to at this time in my life), but from my two very prolific writer friends, I know they really like it and it's a good challenge for yourself.

Google it.

veridian · Joined: 22 Aug 2008 Posts: 90 Location: Michigan, USA

I joined, it's write 50k in a month. Completely possible for me to finish Smile